School Story:
Hi Everybody,
At first, I thought I would only tell the happy part of my life and leave out the rest, but I have decided to be more truthful and tell the whole ugly and raw story.
The overall purpose for writing this particular letter is to acknowledge that God has walked me through some very difficult struggles, and though I would never want to do it again, though I was angry at Him, bottom line, I can say that He can be trusted.
I think back now, and wonder if I ever hurt anyone with my naive outlook on life. I may have hurt someone with a flippant happy remark that to one who could have been wrapped in pain. I’m so sorry if I did.
I am going to contrast and compare the beginning of my life to the later.
After graduating from High School, College life was great and quite fun. Cheerleading was very wonderful and my sorority was good. I was selected Who’s Who in America’s Colleges and Universities, and among the class favorites. My friends called me Pollyanna, because I could see a positive side in most everything.
Married life, children, and sharing Christ/discipling High Schoolers through Young Life were purposeful, and therefore meaningful. I was living the All - American dream.
Modeling for a small business, and being chosen as a model teacher for a Video were confidence boosters. The marriage was good. We had a good family, and Chad and I loved each other very much.
But Pollyanna died and all my dreams were shattered.
Little did I know that the Bible verse I found when Donald Golden broke up with me would be the very verse that has held me together for the many tragedies to come:
Trust in the Lord
With all your heart
Lean not unto your own
Understanding
In all ways, acknowledge Him
And HE will direct your path
Proverbs 3:5-6
I remember the day Mary Hays told me Donny would just be memory and it wouldn’t be so painful in years to come. I didn’t really believe her, but I liked the idea.
(Remember the time Mary’s engine fell out of her car while dragging main?)
14 years ago, our daughter ran away from home. It is all still a mystery to me. She was gone for 8 years; sometimes we did not know where she was. She was mixed up with drugs, guys, jail, tattoos, piercing, etc. etc. It left me in a fetal position and starring became quite normal. In the midst of this, my prince charming was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, stage 4. We had much support from our church where he was the executive pastor. Kasey came around some, but not much. Cory was at HSU in Abilene, the same college where Chad and I met, enjoying baseball and doing fine. ( I think.)
I can't explain the pain of watching your child self-destruct on purpose AND watching your strong handsome husband wither away. I was in a fog most of the time.
I can tell you, however, events that happened that convinced me that God did care, and he did sustain me and He is real. I can tell you my only anchor was the Bible. When I read it, I felt anchored and strong. As soon as I walked away from its living sustaining words, I would spiral downward.
After going through the crisis with our daughter, then Chad's cancer along side it, I can tell you I was questioning God big time. I remember saying to God, “I served you all my life” and this is what I get? I questioned His love for me. I questioned myself as a mother, a wife. Sleepless nights for years made life weary, and not worth living. I begged God to take ME home.
Instead of MY getting to go the Heaven, Chad was rewarded May 4th, l998. I still long to be in that beautiful place! (Revelations 21)
After Chad’s homecoming, my daughter ends up pregnant after her boyfriend got out of jail. My son failed 5 out of 6 classes at college and drank up ALL the beer in Abilene!
My life was crushed in every way. Everything changed. Finances were cut 70%, I didn't seem to fit anywhere anymore. I couldn't go to church for several months, and still find it hard after l0 years. They named the children's building after my husband. He served well.
When my daughter, Kasey became pregnant, she finally stopped in her tracks, and decided to get her life turned around. I encouraged Kasey to give up the baby, but she decided to get married. My friends took turns holding the 5 month old baby at the small wedding and I held Skylar at the Bridal Store. (Not a part of my dreams)
Soon afterwards, I learned that my son (who had been quite solid in character) was also doing drugs. He was just more discrete and deceitful.
As I write today however, Kasey and Cory’s estranged relationship is on the mend. They are back serving the Lord at the same church. Kasey and I are best of friends and Cory is getting better and better.
The grandchildren have been my salvation and have given me hope again........until recently, another set of shattered dreams came along. Their parents have split apart, and they stay at their Daddy's house sometimes. Drugs have arrived on the scene at his apartment as well as the girlfriend. What is going to become of my grandchildren? I have been hit with another round of devastation; more shattered dreams.
Her X doesn’t have a job. She was selling her wedding rings to pay bills. I’m sitting Skylar and Jayden 9-5 this summer.
I co-signed with her husband 6 years ago; a 1000 debt turned into a 7 thousand dollar debt…….the creditors are coming after me and he has ruined my good credit!!!
This last week, I have slept 16 hours in a row, ate l bag of popcorn, l snicker, l coke, l Popsicle, all in one sitting and oh yes, a box of Jr. Mints.
This morning I could hardly get out of bed, but after asking God to come along side me, He has sustained me once again. Trust in the Lord scripture came again (the one I latched onto when Donald Golden broke my heart) and I decided to trust him instead of throwing my usual tantrums. I asked God to give me HIS strength, HIS ways, and to direct my path again.
After I spent time with God, at church, and reading my Bible, I was blown away with my new attitude. Nothing has changed except that I have placed my burdens on Him, and He has lifted me. I can’t believe the difference from this morning until now. It must be His peace that passes all understanding.
(Top Ten things I have figured out the last 14 years)
l. run to God, not my friends,
2. Trust Him when nothing makes sense
3. For a true perspective, read His Living Word,
4. Pray for His strength when I am weak.
5. Give up control; I really have none anyway
6. Remember that life is hard, but God is good
7. Remember that God DOES love me and WILL walk with me
8. Remember to do the Ephesians 6:10-18 thing
9. I can be honest with God and voice my anger and frustrations
l0. Enlist my friends for prayer and laughter
If my pain has caused you to consider and/or point you to Christ, your Savior, God your Father, and the Holy Spirit, your Comforter, then I could say all the suffering was worth it. What would be better than all of 1968 Dimmitt High School’s graduates be together forever, walking the streets of Gold!
I’m sorry I’m missing all the fun and memories.
Juanelle Conard Winsor
P.S. I can still do the splits!
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Does anyone remember the time Smith wouldn’t let me go back to get my baton? (we had just left the band parking lot!), so I decided to twirl without it? From the stands, I knew no one would know I didn’t have it if I could fake it well enough.
I remember when Doug Hays made fun of me for spelling surprise wrong. Forty years later, I still do a double check to see if I’m right.
Does anyone remember that Donny’s cow was named Dammit? He said he wanted to have a reason to cuss so his mom wouldn’t be mad.
Donny and I were sitting in church when he commented how hot he was. I suggested he take off his sweater. Oh no, he replied quickly, “I only ironed the front of my shirt.”
No one ever knew I peed in my pants while kissing Ronald Golden. (Not Donald) It dripped down on the porch cement. I always wondered if he ever noticed????? Did you, Ronald?
